Just This

The next week and a half of my life are just packed with madness. There is so much on my schedule at work I have run out of room on the little squares of calendar. I am splitting my time between two stores now and feel like I am going to be lucky to show up at the right place on the right day. Oh- the insanity!!

No- really- I am trying not to think about it much because one of the things on my to-do list I simply loathe and am not at all looking forward to, and that is prepping for inventory. I hate all the sifting through dusty things and making sure everything is organized and labeled properly. It's drudgery. At least this year I will have some help in the form of the auditor, Christina. Company's good at any point in a job where you are mostly alone.

Trying to find my routine at the new store is daunting too. I am pretty shy, generally, so I am hiding in the office a lot, and it is very dull. I'm not really sure what to do with myself, so I find myself concocting these lists, with a million little tedious items on them, just to have something to do. It's like crossing something off this list, even it was my own invention, gives my day meaning or something sick like that. I am fully aware that I am the inventor of all my stress. Mostly I think I am just kind of lonely.

The oddest thing is that part of my motivation for going to the new store (aside from being closer to home) was to obtain a slower pace that would allow me to leave work at work and have more time for home, and for reconnecting with what is important to me: my family, my "future farm", cultivating a sense of community and practicing writing.

Sometimes what I do makes no damn sense, even to myself.

So I am focusing this week on what I can control. I am trying to remind myself often throughout the day that all that I need to focus on is my presence of mind. I need to remember that it is when I stop trying so hard that all the good things come to me of their own accord. (See? Even as I write, my head spins. Just the curse of creativity I guess.)

I need to be still and be me. Just now- just this.