I spent the better part of my morning at work dreaming of this kitchen herb garden I started to put in last year. So far all that exists of it is some black landscape fabric over dead weeds, a few circular pavers and some concrete edging that wasn’t too ugly. We haven’t spent much more than a few dollars on it at this point and honestly it is an eyesore more than anything else, but I am dreaming of a little raised bed garden full of creeping thyme, chamomile and a little cold frame at the back where I can raise lettuce through the winter. I’m dreaming of a place where I can stick this rosemary bush my last boss gave me as a parting gift that is just suffering through the winter in my living room. I want lush and green and earthy and I wish I could get started on it right now. The temperature outside is climbing over 60, which is unusual for March here and it’s not storming so I am itching to get started gardening.
This year I am going to make this little section of earth my priority, my project that hopefully the dogs will leave alone once I get started on it, as it is in the fenced section of the backyard. I’m going to bring this one bed to life in addition to the vegetable garden and the window boxes. They’ll be color in the backyard.
The warm weather has me dreaming of last summer when I was off of work on leave. I spent the whole summer blissfully pulling weeds and working on my chicken coop on weekends while battling my inner demons and getting used to my medications. It was a nice respite from work and this year I face spending most of the summer indoors inside the bank I work at, where you can’t exactly throw open the windows to let in the breeze. It is going to be an adjustment for sure, but I will have every evening free to pull weeds in the garden and make sure my plants are doing just fine. Plus I will have all the time at the bank for writing, which is what I do in between customers. There should be no reason with all this free time why I can’t be posting to my own blog, something I care deeply about and haven’t made enough time for lately.
It’s sad how we can make ourselves so busy with the routines of our daily lives that we often miss, like I do with the blog, making time for what is really important to us. I have been working on a ghostwriting project for pay for nearly a year for which I write once a week and I always find time to fit that into my busy schedule but never make the time for my own work and promotion, which I realized a few weeks ago is crucial if I want to continue to market myself here on the blog as a writer. My advice to you if you are struggling to get something started, whether it’s a small herb garden two years in the making or a 500 word post about the smell of fresh tomatoes (which I can’t WAIT for I might add), is just to do it. Get started, even if it isn’t perfect.
I put a lot of things off, including this blog, because I want everything I include or do to be representative of my best efforts. I procrastinate until the "time is right" or I "have a good idea", which often means I do nothing at all because the right moment or ideas never seem to materialize. Then I get caught up in a funk where nothing really happens at all, so, in an effort to only show my best work, I end up showing nothing at all. Silly, right? How many times do we let fear of failure or not doing great work keep us from doing any work at all?
I resolved before to let this blog be a reflection of me as a grow and learn to cope with my disorder and establish my homestead at the same time. Right now it is a reflection of me waiting for things to be better, of not taking chances for fear of failure. Instead, right now, this blog is going to become something I update every day with something- even if it isn’t my best work, at least it will be place to practice writing, promote myself and get started again with the tale of our homesteading adventures, slow as they may be.
That’s one part of my BP I am having the hardest time adjusting to- the change in motivation (or, more appropriately, the complete lack thereof). I used to bounce of the walls in my manic states and write all night and have plenty to say even when depressed. I had plenty of energy to make my own bread, clean my house all the time and do extra projects like the chicken coop. Now that I am more leveled out on the meds I don’t feel as crazy but getting started on things is sometimes very hard to do. That first step and initial focus is hard to rally sometimes, even for the smallest things.
So let’s make a date then every day for me to come here and post something- a song, poem, post or rant. If you don’t start you can’t expect to finish and I have a lot of things that can’t be left undone.
Thanks for your patience!